Oliver tries online dating

“What on earth are you listening to?” bellows Fernando from around the corner, barely audible over the heavy beats pumping through my speakers. The sound of a door closing follows.

“Disco,” I call back with a pant, pausing my dance break to lower the volume. “You don’t listen to disco in the afternoon?”

Fernando enters the combined kitchen and living area, where he sets down a bag on the counter. “Jesus, Oliver. It sounds like the seventies exploded in here.”

“Now that would be a pain to clean. Sequins everywhere.”

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I can’t say NEIGH to a unicorn!

 

 

The wonderful Caroline Peckham has given me this very magical, very sparkly blog award! Thank you Caroline! I’m so excited about this because, even as an adult, I’m still a sucker for unicorns. It’s all Peter S. Beagle’s fault.

This award is Caroline’s own creation, and she describes it as such:

This award is designed to celebrate your individuality as a person and fellow blogger. If you think about it a unicorn is just a horse with a horn and YOU are just a person with a blog and yet both equate to something special and unique!

Right on!

As a condition of accepting the award, I have been challenged to write a blurb about my life, as if it were the back of a book. Alright folks, here we go:

Beard Man

I ring the bell for Sofia’s apartment, trying to imagine what could possibly be in store for me. On the phone she had used a scramble of incoherent phrases such as “self-actualization crisis” and “my inner flower has been frosted over by the tundra of creative impotence.” Or something like that.

“Olive! Thank god you’re here!” Sofia shrieks as soon as she opens the door. “Okay, here’s the problem. Do you remember how I’ve been feeling really anxious and frazzled lately?”

“Sure,” I say, stepping into her apartment. Sofia starts pacing.

“Well, I’ve been reading this self-help book because I can’t afford a therapist, not to mention those guys assault you when you’re hypnotized—I read about it—and anyway this book has described my life to a T. It’s as if the writer has been following me around, watching me in order to write this book.”

“Does he prefer the tree outside your window or does he leave nanny-cams in your bedroom?”

I call it an appling hook. Like a grappling hook, but for apples.

Aah! My last post got a lot of new followers to the blog. Thanks guys! You’re awesome! I guess people benefited from my sage advice. I really should charge money for this.

I’m feeling a bit of pressure to deliver something worthwhile for the new folks, to prove their click of the follow button wasn’t just a freak finger spasm. But what should I post about? I decided to compile a list of ideas for future blogging. They are:

1. Apples! What are my opinions on them?? How do they work??
2. A tutorial for how to put your pants on without getting one leg stuck in the hole and falling over. Still haven’t mastered this but perhaps I can blog about the learning process.
3. ………….
4. Apples again????

Tips on Writing REAL Real Good

Okay, writers. Grab your electrolytes-infused sports drink, because we’re about to karate chop some GREATNESS into your manuscript! Right now your “story” may feel more like a BORE-y, am I right? But with these ten simple tips, your book can become the belle of the bookshop, guaranteed.

My first publication!! The Houseplant in Love with a Girl

I am VERY excited to announce that the hilarious e-magazine, Vandercave Quarterly, has published my short story, “The Houseplant in Love with a Girl.” Huzzah!

This is my first publication. Ever. So please excuse me while I flail wildly and probably fall down.

Click here to read!

I also highly recommend the other stories and the first issue as well. This mag was my top choice because of how much they made me bust up laughing. The editors rock, and I can’t thank them enough for their publication. 🙂

Next time, muse, I’ll need to see a doctor’s note

It’s one of those days again. You’ve sat down at your desk, all set to work, but… Groan. Your muse has called in sick. Last time it was a dead car battery, and before that, the dog ate its homework. Whatever the reason, your muse is gone and you’re left high and dry.

Yup, it’s that infamous writer’s block. Here is a list of handy solutions for the next time it happens to you.

You can…