Tips on writing REAL real good! (Repost)

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Okay, writers. Grab your electrolytes-infused sports drink, because we’re about to karate chop some GREATNESS into your manuscript! Right now your “story” may feel more like a BORE-y, am I right? But with these ten simple tips, your book can become the belle of the bookshop, guaranteed.

Tip #1: Make stylistic choices about punctuation.
You know what you are? A free spirit. All those RULES set up by THE MAN can’t keep you down. You’re not a part of their system! Like commas for instance. Commas imply a pause, right? Fair enough. But sometimes you want a longer pause. Maybe you wanna grab a cup of coffee before moving on with the sentence. So just throw a bunch of commas in there,,,,,,,, whenever you need a rest. You’ve worked hard, you deserve it.

Tip #2: Tell, don’t show.
Look, we might read books, but we’re not brain surgeons. Except for Jim who thinks he’s sooooo special because he’s a neurologist AND can read. Pff. Unlike Fancy Pants Jim, we common folk REALLY need things explained to us. So make sure you spell out EXACTLY what’s happening. When you think you’re done, throw in an extra reminder or two, just in case.

Tip #3: More exposition!
On that note, where is the exposition?? I can’t stress this enough: readers are like, super dumb. Gradually weaving in backstories and world building and other information via the narrative is just too cumbersome and easily missed. Outline it all in one big chunk. Bigger. No, BIGGER. When the rest of the text feels inadequate compared to how big your exposition is, you know you’ve done it right.

Tip #4: Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.
Critiques, man. Who needs ‘em. Your beta readers might mean well, but what do THEY know about adverbs and your supposed overuse of them? It’s YOUR story and you can’t help it that you’re such a trailblazer. Share your work if you must, but make sure you tell them that you have NO intentions of making ANY changes. They’ll be too humbled by your fierce independence to tell you that your plot zig-zags all over the place or that “physics don’t actually work like that.” YEAH LINDA, I GOT YOUR NOTES, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS.

Tip #5: Keep ‘em guessing.
I said this list would have 10 tips but I decided to stop at 5, because SURPRISE! False promises keep readers on their toes. Never follow through, never deliver. That way, readers will never know what to expect! They think they’re getting a fantasy adventure? JUST KIDDING, IT WAS ALL A DREAM. They’re eager to find out who the killer is in your mystery thriller? TOO BAD, IT WAS NOBODY. Everyone loves a twist.

With these handy guidelines, you’re now on your way to attaining your black belt in real good writing. Hi-yah! Now, since all of these tips are 100% sarcastic, go forth and do the opposite of everything here!

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(This post originally went up in May of 2015.)

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23 thoughts on “Tips on writing REAL real good! (Repost)

  1. Finally! Someone writerly prepared to share the true secrets of crafting a literary work so magnificent it could eat itself without sprinkles. As ever I’m in awe – not just of your wisdom, but of your sharing-is-caring nature. I’d high-five you but I’m busy throwing some adverbs into my exposition.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha great advice :p I like this because I feel like sometimes every a**hole out there is like “you should do this, you should do this and you should do this”, to the point sometimes where I wonder if it scares people away from writing for fear of doing something wrong (I’m in a very challenging university subject at the moment, always forcing ‘you need a theme!” down my throat, that I need to write a blog post about), so it’s nice to have something making fun of that 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh, I know exactly what you mean. That kind of militant rule-pushing really bothers me. And I think you’re right that it scares people away. Like, “You used an adverb?? GET OUT!” I don’t like elitism anywhere, but especially not in creative spheres; that’s the worst place for it. I hope your university doesn’t crush your love for writing – I’m interested to read your post about that when it goes up. I’m really glad this post cheered you up a bit! Thanks for reading 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha luckily I consider myself resilient and thankfully as a mature student I’m more scornful of that advice than I probably should be o.O

        Liked by 1 person

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