Next time, muse, I’ll need to see a doctor’s note

writers block

It’s one of those days again. You’ve sat down at your desk, all set to work, but… Groan. Your muse has called in sick. Last time it was a dead car battery, and before that, the dog ate its homework. Whatever the reason, your muse is gone and you’re left high and dry.

Yup, it’s that infamous writer’s block. Here is a list of handy solutions for the next time it happens to you.

You can…

1) Bang your head against the wall a few times!

2) Practice your sorcery by summoning inspiration! Results may vary but standing on your desk and waving your arms a lot can help. (Mind the pencils.)

3) Complain to everyone who will listen (or who can’t find the exit fast enough) about your writer’s block! Respond to all attempts at sympathy with “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.”

4) Go on a juice cleanse! Consume nothing but fluids for an entire week to release toxins and spiritual blockages. At the very least, the light-headedness from lack of food will distract you.

5) Steal someone else’s work and call it your own! Wait, no, don’t do that, I WAS KIDDING.

6) Put your work aside and go have, like, actual experiences for a while! (Hey, now we’re getting somewhere.) These experiences can spark ideas you never would have thought of, or at least give you a rest. You’ll come back to your story as refreshed and rejuvenated as a woman in a skin care commercial.

7) Write something else for a time! A different story, a different genre, even simply a different scene. Force your brainwheels out of their ruts by setting them on another path entirely.

8) Read some awesome books by awesome authors! Let them inspire you. Give the authors a mental high five and imagine them giving one back – a really good one too, the kind where your palms line up perfectly and make that really sweet, loud clap.

9) Fire your muse completely! Just write. Get the words on the page and improve them later. You have creativity in your blood—it’s why you started writing in the first place. Your passion will return. In the meantime, just write.

10) And lastly, if all else fails, remember that you could get run over by a truck tomorrow! Nothing gets the fingers typing like existential panic.

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5 thoughts on “Next time, muse, I’ll need to see a doctor’s note

      • Should I be carrying a copy of my book with me (or work in progress) when the truck hits? Do truckers know how to get books published posthumously? If I leave the muse’s phone number in the book can the truck driver finish the book for me? Will the posthumous fame mean anything to me if there’s no afterlife? Can I haunt an editor who would change my manuscript? Maybe it’s best not to go out until it’s finished. I am not amused when a muse dies. Where can you find the muse haunted house and how do you get to it without being hit by a truck? I had a friend who wanted to marry a Muse. When they got to the part in the ceremony where they say, “If anyone objects to this marriage, let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” all the Muses from the Muse society came and objected. The marriage was cancelled. It was devastating. Muses are tough, and fickle.

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